


I've Never Wished for Anything more than You

by heylittleangel



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Canon Divergent 12x23, Canon Temporary Character Death, Emotionally Hurt Dean Winchester, Established Castiel/Dean Winchester, M/M, Suffering Dean Winchester, Writers of Destiel Discord, Writers of Destiel Discord Weekly Words Challenge
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-08
Updated: 2019-06-08
Packaged: 2020-04-23 00:32:43
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,054
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19139998
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/heylittleangel/pseuds/heylittleangel
Summary: Dean has lost many people before—it’s practically a normal thing in his line of work—but none of them hurt as much as Castiel’s death. Especially because Dean is sure there’s no possible way for the angel to come back again. Or so he thought.





	I've Never Wished for Anything more than You

**Author's Note:**

> Hey guys, how are you? So, this week's Weekly Words was "I Wish" and I've been wanting to write something about how much Dean suffered when Cas died, and thankfully I managed to get those two together.  
> This isn't bet-ed, so if there are any mistakes, let me know.

Dean hasn’t been feeling like himself these last couple of days—no, scratch that—months, he hasn’t been feeling like himself for months. A few weeks ago, Dean thought he would finally begin to feel like himself again because they had finally found Cas after spending so much time worrying and looking for him. Dean really believed they would be together after that and that they could go back to the routine they had before Cas left him—that they could go back to how they were, no matter what happened before. But fate, as always, had other plans, because, only a few hours after Dean finally saw Cas again and they were able to simply be together and hold each other’s hands, real life came in, knocking down everything in its way—Mary, Kelly, Crowley, Cas.

Dean lost everyone on that day, saw all of them be taken away from him. He lost his mom because she walked right to Lucifer and punched him in the face to save him and Sam; he lost Crowley, who sacrificed himself to help them keep the Devil away from their world; he lost Kelly, who spent so many months suffering, with everyone wanting to get between her and her son. And then he lost Cas, who went to hold Lucifer so Dean and Sam could get away from the apocalyptic world, so they could have a shot of getting out of there alive, even if that meant Cas himself could die. Dean saw Cas being stabbed through the back, his life being burned away from his body, leaving only the empty shell on the ground, the shell that Dean loved for so long and that he had to burn. And, as he watched it burn, it made him realize that this time was the last time he would see Cas, that his angel would never come back.

He doesn’t know how he managed to keep it together after that—or if he even did— how he was even able to stand up, walk, drive, speak, eat. He doesn’t even remember most of the things he did after he knelt beside Cas’s lifeless body, his heart breaking into a million pieces. He only knew he had to keep the facade up so Sam wouldn’t know how much he was suffering inside. He also had other things to worry about, so he boxed all of his feelings up until he could morn all his losses without anyone knowing.

After they finally went to the bunker, Dean broke down as soon as he entered his and Cas’s room, and saw the little notes Cas left for him when Dean wasn’t there, always saying something that made Dean smile, even if it was a simple ‘Hello, Dean’, that was enough to brighten up his day. Dean never found the courage to take them off, especially after Cas left. Some of them had lost their glue and fell on the floor, and Dean would only take it and put on his nightstand, reading them every time he missed Cas—which was very often. But even with all the good memories, those notes only made Dean feel worse.

Dean doesn’t even know how long he spent knelt, crying, after he closed the door. He punched the floor, breaking the skin of his hands; he prayed to Chuck to bring all of them back, saying he owned them for leaving them; he cried even more when nothing happened. After all of that, every time he thought he would be able to finally stop crying, he would look around and see something else that reminded him of Cas, until he couldn’t take it anymore—he knew he wouldn’t be able to stay in their room, not at that moment at least.

He grabbed some clothes from his closet and went to the room they used for movie nights, deciding he wouldn’t be able to sleep in his own, even with his so loved memory foam. He couldn’t stay there, remembering all the silly moments he had with Cas, the confessions they had late at night when Dean couldn't sleep and the tiny little things that Cas did there to make it his room too—to make it _their_ room.

Dean had been avoiding his room the most ever since, only going there when he needed to get clothes or some book he forgot there, but, otherwise, he kept his distance from it, doing his best not to even get close to it if he could help it. He keeps the spaces he can go in the bunker low, going to the kitchen, the garage, the bathroom, the war room and the room he has been sleeping in, and also doing his best to keep his mind occupied and not have to think about anything that may make him break down.

He spent his time uploading Men of Letter’s files to the server Sam created for them, so it would be easier to find whatever they could want; he cleaned rooms he and Sam had never been and didn’t know existed; he fixed all of the cars in the garage, taking them for drives every week; he has also been cooking a lot, hoping that, even if it reminds him of Cas, it’ll be enough to keep his mind focused on only one thing.

If Sam noticed anything strange with Dean’s behavior, he didn’t comment on it, leaving his brother to mourn the way he wants. He took Jack on hunts, knowing he couldn’t leave him with Dean and that Dean would probably feel better if he was alone in the bunker. Sam sent Jody, Donna, Alex, and Claire to keep an eye on him or just stay a few hours with him so he wouldn’t feel so lonely. Dean appreciated it, especially for having comfort and the knowledge that there are people who still care about him, no matter how much he tried to isolate himself.

This week, Sam and Jack are out on a hunt on the other side of the country, which means Dean has plenty of days alone—or at least until one of the girls come to check on him. Sam and Jack left a couple of days ago and Dean promised he would do some research to help them with their hunt, so Dean walks to the kitchen with some books and his laptop, so he can do what he needs for Sam and still get overdosed with coffee.

Dean manages to find and send all the information Sam may need about everything that has happened n the city before he finishes the coffee pot. He thinks that maybe he should have taken longer because now he doesn’t know what to do to keep his mind busy and not let it start throwing memories at him—memories he doesn’t want to see because he knows it’ll only make him suffer more. He decides to stay in the kitchen, looking at news and trying to find any strange deaths, until he finishes with his coffee pot.

He finds two different mysterious deaths, one on the south and one in west-center of the country. He sends each for different hunters to check on it and see if it’s anything supernatural or just the normal freaks things that happen in the world. He puts everything in its place after he’s done, walking to the war room and sitting on one of the chairs.

He rests his elbows on the table and buries his head on his hands, trying to think what he could do to get busy now: there's nothing to cook, all the cars are clean and running smooth, the rooms that need cleaning he needs to wait for Sam and Jack to make sure there's nothing cursed there and that it's safe to go in and there are no documents to put in the server. Dean sighs and does his best not to think about Cas or anything that may be related to the angel—Dean has suffered enough on the first days after Castiel’s death, he doesn’t need more of it.

After he takes a few deep breaths, he raises his head, looking around the war room, even though he knows that there’s nothing to occupy his mind at the moment. He turns his head to look the path that leads to the bedrooms and thinks that maybe he should gather enough courage to face whatever is hidden behind the door to his room—he can’t keep hiding forever and sooner or later he’ll have to face it and it’s better if it’s when he wants, when he knows he’ll face it and not when he’s taken by surprise.

He doesn’t know how long he stays in that position, just staring at the hallway that leads to the rooms and trying to decide if he should or if he shouldn’t go. He gets startled when his phone starts to ring, breaking the trail of thought he was in. He blinks a few times and sees Sam’s name written on the phone, so he picks it up and answers it.

“Hey, Sammy. Everything okay there?”

“Hey. Yeah, yeah everything’s fine. Jack and I just got back to the motel after interviewing the witness and families of the people that got killed.”

Dean rubs a hand on his face. “That’s great, Sammy. Did you get my email?”

Sam hums. “Yep, I’m gonna go through it after we eat something. How are things there?”

“Fine, as always. Found two hunts and sent them to the hunters close to it. Just some vamps causing trouble.”

“That’s good.” Sam stays a few moments in silence like he’s thinking about what to say next. “Did you leave the bunker?”

Dean bites his lip, wondering if he should lie or just tell the truth. Sam will probably know if he lies so the truth may be better. “Nope, I’m waiting for the grocery list to grow a little more.”

Dean hears his brother sigh and knows he’s probably running a hand through his hair and trying to find a reason for Dean to get out of the bunker. “You should at least drive around, Dean. Being cooped up in the bunker isn’t good.”

“Yeah, yeah, I’ll leave sometime, don’t worry. I’ll let you get back to your research now. Call me if you need anything else.”

Dean hangs up before Sam can say anything else, holding the phone tightly between his hands. Dean takes a deep breath, raising his eyes again to the hallway, and decides to go to the room and face everything he has been running from for weeks before he can lose the little courage he has.

He stands up, putting his phone in his pocket and starts walking towards the hallway—dragging himself may be a better description but there’s no one there so Dean thinks it's okay to lie a little to himself. He slowly walks to his room, stopping in front of the closed door, staring at the five little letters carved on the top of the door—Cas and D.W. They decided to carve their names there after Cas finally moved into Dean’s room. They made the letters really tiny so only they would know they’re there, kinda like a secret that only they would know.

Dean stares at those letters for a while, his eyes tearing up as memories flood his mind. He raises his hand to the doorknob, closing his fingers around it and taking a deep breath before turning it and opening the door.

The room is exactly the way Dean left on the day he found Cas—the sheets on the bed are perfectly neat, there are some research papers on the bedside table from a hunt Dean had found and some clothes that Dean had separated for Cas when they came baçk on the chair.

Dean takes a deep breath, closing his eyes as his mind start to show him more images of the great memories he has with Cas in that room. But, for once, Dean doesn’t try to fight them, instead just accepting them. He opens his eyes and gives the last steps until he is fully inside the room, looking around it, almost being able to smell Cas’s scent—something that resembles ozone and rain, but also a mild scent of cinnamon and coffee, two things that Cas always loved.

Dean walks to the bed, sitting on the edge of it, with his back to the door. He grabs the pillow that Cas uses, burying his face in it and inhaling deep. He can’t stop the tears that come with it and the dam inside of him breaks, all those weeks of trying to hide his feelings coming out all at once. Dean cries, sobbing into the pillow that still has Cas’s smell, thinking how he’ll be able to get through this or if he’ll ever be able to miss Cas just a little less.

He doesn’t know how long he stays sobbing into the pillow nor when he lay down on the bed. He just knows that his head started to hurt and that he feels exhausted like he just spent hours running. He turns on the bed until he’s facing the ceiling and tries to keep his mind blank, hoping that crying so much will make him feel better.

Unfortunately, the memories keep coming to him, making him feel worse than he was before. He remembers when he first said that he loved Cas, when they were fighting about something so stupid that escalated to an argument and Dean just blurted out that he loved Cas. He thinks that he never panicked so much before, as Cas’s eyes widened and his whole body stiffened. Dean thought he had screwed everything up that day, until Cas threw himself on top of Dean, crushing their lips together, making both of them fall on the floor. They didn’t even remember what they were fighting about after, laughing of how a fight could end up in a confession and then in sex.

Dean also remembers how many time he woke up to Cas staring at him with a soft smile on his face, saying ‘Hello, Dean’ as soon as the hunter’s eyes opened. Dean’s days always started better when that happened, leaving him with a smile all day long. Dean remembers the post-its Cas would leave around the room when he needed to leave before Dean was awake, or how he sometimes would wake Dean up with a cup of coffee or pancakes or bacon, especially after Dean came back from long and stressful hunts.

Dean cleans up the tears that start rolling down on his face, not wanting to cry more. He sniffles and stands up, going to the radio he keeps in his room. He turns it on and the last music he heard in it starts to play—Pink Floyd’s Wish You Were Here. Dean closes his eyes, listening to the first chords of the music, and remembered how Cas was head over heels by the band when Dean showed him and that his favorite song was this one. It was the last music they listened together before Cas left. Cas said that the song reminded him of them.

Dean sits on the bed again, singing along the song, with his eyes closed and focusing on how much he misses Cas. “I don’t think you can hear this, Cas, but I miss you so much that I don’t even know how to handle this empty feeling inside of me. I can’t even think about you that my heart tightens and I immediately start crying. I've never felt like this and I don't know how I'm supposed to deal with these feelings inside of me. You have no idea how much I wish you could come back, how hard I would fight if I knew just where to start looking for you.” Dean takes a deep breath, biting his lips to stop himself from crying. “I love you so much, Cas, I—” Dean’s voice break as a sob comes through his throat, stopping him from saying anything else. He buries his head on his hands, trying to stop himself from crying more.

For a few minutes, the only thing Dean hears is the last beats of the music, until it stops completely and a voice comes from the door. “I love you too, Dean.” Dean sits straight so fast that he almost falls from the bed, staring with big eyes the figure standing between the door frames.

Dean squints his eyes until he recognizes the man standing there and he just can’t believe his eyes. “Ca-Cas?”

Castiel smiles softly, entering the room. “Hello, Dean.”

Dean jumps from the bed, throwing himself on top of Cas and hugging him tightly. “You really are here, you’re not just a manifestation from my mind.” Cas nods, hugging Dean back. “How? How did you get back? We-we burned your body.”

Cas chuckles softly and shrugs. “Well, I managed to piss a cosmic entity so much that it decided to send me back to Earth.”

Dean lets go of Cas, putting his hands on the angel’s face. “I can’t believe you’re really here.”

“You should because I truly am here. And I don’t plan on leaving you again so soon.”

“You better not leave me, Cas, or I’ll piss off a cosmic entity and I don’t think anyone wants that.”

Cas smiles, putting one hand on Dean’s cheek and caressing it with his thumb. “I’m so sorry, Dean.”

Dean’s eyes tear up. “You don’t need to be sorry, it’s not your fault. Just promise me you won’t go out looking for the Devil so he can stab you again. I can’t lose you again, Cas.”

“I won’t, I promise. I just want to be with you now.”

Cas crushes their lips together, putting his arms around Dean again and tightening his embrace until all of the hunter’s body is touching his. Dean kisses him back, with the same intensity, like he needs Cas’s lips to be able to survive. And after everything he felt during these weeks, maybe he does need Cas’s lips, just as much as he needs oxygen to be able to survive.

**Author's Note:**

> As always, you can find on tumblr as gii-heylittleangel


End file.
